Contemplating My Life

I did a long (64 mile) bike ride yesterday. My usual loop - long version. I decided not to take any photos. To look inwardly instead. 

I explored my mind and how I am feeling. I tried to give myself a mental checkup.

 

I have had anxiety dreams the last few nights. In one, there was a poisonous snake that would bite the back of your ankle. I saw it coming. It was fat and cartoonish looking. I warned Beth and helped her get away. I had time to run from the snake. However, something internal held me back from running as fast as I could. Like I was in quicksand. I woke up just as the snake was about to bike my ankle.

 

I wonder if there has been something in my life holding me back. Lack of motivation? Laziness? Boredom? Fear? I have had recurring dreams for years where I needed to run from something and couldn't because something held me back. I sometimes wake up with night terrors; often involving the need to escape something.

 

The one time in my life that I did not allow fear or any of the above to hold me back was professionally as a workers comp lawyer. I was able to apply myself fully and achieve, in ways that I had never been able before. Since retiring, I no longer have that outlet in my life.

 

Am I losing who I was? Am I losing who I need to be?

 

Is there something missing in my life? Have I felt that way my whole life? Did I feel that way when I was working and achieving? I had money, respect and status. Was that enough? Did I use that to cover up feelings of inadequacy?

 

I wanted to get rid of stress in my life. I did that, but at what cost?

 

Am I still adjusting to retirement? To what extent is the pandemic contributing to these feelings? 

 

I was the happiest today, listening to music in the car. Why have I stopped listening to music as much? I can listen whenever I want. I’ll try to listen more and see how that feels. 

Those are a lot of the thoughts I had while riding my bike. I have a lot of unanswered questions in my life - as we all do. It helps me to ask the questions and contemplate the answers. I don't think we ever figure it all out.

Today. I got up and cold smoked some salmon.

Collected a bountiful harvest from the garden; and

enjoyed a shaudenfreude moment at expense of a gopher Beth trapped

If you remember from my last post, gophers had turned our new lawn into Swiss cheese. Beth set a gopher trap just outside the lawn. I watered the lawn heavily, imagining that the gopher would exit stage left to avoid drowning and run straight into her trap. I don't know if that is exactly how it went down. You can't argue with results.

This afternoon, we drove to Portola Valley for a walk and dinner with Beth's sister Gail, her husband Gamiel and their son Spencer.

Great dinner. Beth and I drove to SF to spend the night. We'll go to the farmers market tomorrow at the Ferry Building. Then lunch with Yael and Nadav at their new house in Noe Valley. Finally, a visit to my mom in Berkeley.